I’m not gifted and talented, and I accept that.  Although with what I have, I can achieve a life for myself that can meet my needs and a few wants here and there.  I’m destined to be in the middle.

Do they see me as a failure if I don’t reach the potential they have dreamed I have? Or do they see themselves as failures for not allowing me to reach this false potential?

Whatever the case, I am average.  Give me a four year degree, a desk job, a mortgage, basic cable, and a couple cats and I promise that’s all I want in life.

I don’t need a swimming pool or personal trainer. I’d much rather prefer a house with a leaky roof and a rusty car in the garage.

I want simple needs that I can keep forever, nothing more or less.  But mostly I want no threat to take those things away from me.

1. Pass 1st semester

2. Go home

3. Get a job

4. Figure out college/ apply

5. Strive to be less lazy

6. Swear less

7. Think about others more

8. Start climbing again

9. Begin teaching myself chemistry

10. Do daily laundry

11. Manage my money better

12. Find something to study

13. Study

14. Start a late night radio show, specifically having idm/electronic/ambient music- must find someone to collaborate with on that

Lots of things to be done, I’m not up to this task…..

So much going on >:[

Also I've had four songs stuck in my head as of late running in a constant loop (below!)

here goes….

“The man in the black pajamas, a worthy fuckin’ adversary”

The scum of the planet pluto
The half-eaten apple of eve
The pigeon in the garden
The headache of a dead man
The home in a row of clones

One and the same
One in the same
One of the same
Once to be sane
Not to be saved

The shovel left in the grave
Another lost in the day
Staying inside
Behind locked doors
Key on the Porch
No light to see
What belongs in the cage
Left
Everything in its place
Agian.

Let me start from an early age.  Somewhere around the ages of 5-10 I had a toy tape player, and naturally I played in it whatever I could find.  I guess the only tape in my house at the time was some Men At Work tape.  I would spend hours listening to “who can it be now” and “land down under”.  Needless to say, those are times I’d very much like to forget.

From 10-13ish I spent alot of time with friends, listening to and this is the embarrassing part, backstreet boys, baha men, britney spears, and nsync.  Yeah, this is definitely a part of my childhood I’d like to forget.

Around the time of middle school I got my first cd player.  The first CD I had was from my brothers girlfriend, it had sublime, weezer, and stuff like jimmy eat world on it.  This CD got worn out with play counts as well.  Then one summer I got a 107.7 the End sampler CD with a bunch of summer hits from a certain year.  I can’t even remember what was on it anymore.

The first songs I ever fell in love with were heavy metal drummer by Wilco, and meantime by the Futureheads.  I used to spend hours in the basement with my brother listening to his music, he is my main musical influence after all.

The first CD he gave me was The Jam’s greatest hits album.  I fell in love with this CD and listened to it all through 7th and 8th grade.  Christmas one year I got a new CD player and a Franz Ferdinand CD.  I became a huge FF fan and that was pretty much all I listened to for middle school.

Summer of my eight grade year things started evolving.  My brother gave me a mix that contained the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Ambulance LTD and the Arcade Fire.  I’m still a huge fan of all three bands, and Ambulance still has to be in my top ten all time, their stuff is something I can listen to in any mood and I never get sick of it.

Freshman to sophmore year I fell out of musical touch somewhat, I used to get alot of new music from my brother and never had time to listen to it, or never had any interest in the weird stuff he liked. These were the years I gained an obsession for Wilco, possibly my favorite band of all time.  I saw the lead singer, Jeff Tweedy live in february of my sophmore year and this further solidified my love for WIlco.

Junior year I made alot of new friends, who turned me onto a whole bunch of new music.  I became a huge listener of The Mars Volta, and while I don’t understand half of what they say I still love the music that omar and cedric can create, pre amputechture of course.  I remember, on a band trip once sitting in the gym of a middle school about to go to sleep I listened to Saturate by the Chemical Brothers with a good friend of mine.  Since then, I’ve become a huge fan of all things electronic and the Chemical Brothers themselves.  That chritsmas I got a Jimi Hendrix CD.  Are you Experienced is a fucking great album and it opened me up to older stuff, not necessarily in the same genre like Yes, and King Crimson.  That summer on a road trip with my brother and dad my brother played Deerhunter for me during the trip.  While I had the bands discography at the time, I did not appreciate it.  It took this road trip to get me to realize how brilliant that band is, and Bradford Cox himself also.  He also played The Kins are the Village Green Preservation Society.  One of my favorite songs of all time, Big Sky, comes from this album.  TKATVGPS is one of the only albums I can listen to fully, its fucking excellent.

Senior year, I listened to alot of instrumental music, like Explosions in the Sky and Mogwai.  But after spending alot of time with some friends, I grew more into the IDM, Braindance, etc genre.  The two primary artist her being Aphex Twin and Venetian Snares.  Apjex Twin is a genius who is way ahead of his time, he basically rules the electronic music genre, if there is any genre you can put the man into, by his own toothy grinned silent decree.  He can cover any front of music, from ambient to acid, and thats what I love about the twin.  I discovered Eluvium that year, one of the most beautiful sounding ambient artists I’ve ever heard.  The album Copia put into accurate description is the most beautiful, tragic, and sad moment in your life all felt at once.

Now, my musical taste stays pretty much the same.  I listen to alot of Radiohead, Deerhunter, Aphex Twin, Wisp, Eluvium, Smashing Pumpkins, RHCP, and Wilco.  The music that inspire me to write this, was Working for a Nuclear Free City’s Businessmen and Ghosts 2CD set.  I listend to this fully today, and I do think its the best thing I’ve heard in awhile.

Here’s one of the fucking beautiful jammy insane tracks from B&G.

Enjoy

Introductions out of the way, lets get down to it eh?  Simple introduction, I’m stuck in a podunk little town going to college at a school I shouldn’t be at, wasting money with nothing in mind to study.  In doing this, I’ve left the four or five most important people in my life behind and I’m constantly worried that I’ll never make bonds with people here that way.  College is the wrong place for me, completely.  My dreams and goals don’t really require a college education at all.  All I want in life is to have a small income job that can sustain day to day needs whilst living in a small house in a rural area with a few people that I don’t mind spending many years with.  Oh and that future should contain kittens.

Onto my new world in the east.  College…is different.  I don’t much care to live in a dorm, I enjoy a solitary lifestyle unless I’m around people I have a deep connection with.  It’s weird living at the same place I go to school.  Feels like a prison I’m allowed to leave.  I don’t do much, I’m not into the part bro lifestyle or anything.  Most of the time I sit on the computer listening to music and finding random things on the internet.  This or the occasional class or study break is about all I have time for these days.  I don’t plan on being here for long, well if I have my say in it.  I plan to move back home next semester and go to CC to pursue some kind of dietary career.  After that I want to join americorps and get my college paid for and attend UW and get a degree in E Sci.

I try to go home as much as possible to see the people I love, and recently I found it really hard when I got back.  I sank into a depressive state and found myself really lonely and upset at myself for alot of things.  I feel like I’m losing touch gradually with the people I love and that soon, they’re gonna forget about me.

This is about all I can muster out of my brain for the day.  Big test to study for, hopefully I’ll come out with a 70+ on it.

This song is by Matthew Robert Cooper AKA Eluvium, it’s what I’ve been listening to a lot lately.